A Real Walmart Application
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman
(or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a
Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an
offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT
YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be
"Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with
a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks
I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE ...7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE
TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Oh yes, absolutely.
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman
(or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a
Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an
offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT
YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be
"Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with
a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks
I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE ...7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE
TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Oh yes, absolutely.
1 comment:
CONGRATULATIONS - WISH I HAD THOUGHT OF IT :))
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